Hot on the heels of the recent Cocker/Lewis (the Cat)/Herrmann triad, the new year is off to a somber start as Mario Cuomo has taken Elly May Clampett just two days into 2015. His motivations were obvious. Code Orange for Jethro, the last surviving Hillbilly.
After wasting the life that Shirley Temple had granted him, Robin Williams used his tragic pick to take one of the more vulernable celebrities, Lauren Bacall. In light of her passing, a Code Red was issued for Kirk Douglas. However, in a surprising show of strength, Bacall has reached out and taken her old nemesis Joan Rivers. Details to follow.
It appears that CDT heavy-hitter James Gandolfini has set his sights on Nelson Mandela. The Cooperative is keeping a close eye on events. Mandela to Code Red.
Never bashful about his liberalism, Roger Ebert made a statement in death taking down conservative icon Margaret Thatcher. Less clear is why the Iron Lady would take out loveable Mouseketeer Annette Funnicello, but one can only conclude that it was part of long-standing resentment of the loose morals she displayed cavorting in a bikini throughout the Sixties. If only Annette had work a furkini.
In a stunning turn of events, 70’s sitcom icon Bonnie Franklin (who famously shunned underwear on the set), has taken Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Details to follow.
The Collective urges all to refrain from any bawdy celebrations this New Year’s Eve in memory of Dick Clark. Perhaps next year Ryan Seacrest or Kathy Griffin or that dirty Jenny McCarthy can take up his mantle and carry on, as he did with Guy Lombardo so many years ago. But this year is for remembering.
Always the good soldier, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf stepped up to save his ailing commader in chief, in a move reminiscent of the immortal John Candy’s sacrifice that extend Kurt Cobain’s miserable life another few years.