Gandolfini Targets Mandela

It appears that CDT heavy-hitter James Gandolfini has set his sights on Nelson Mandela. The Cooperative is keeping a close eye on events. Mandela to Code Red.

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Ebert/Thatcher/Funicello

Never bashful about his liberalism, Roger Ebert made a statement in death taking down conservative icon Margaret Thatcher. Less clear is why the Iron Lady would take out loveable Mouseketeer Annette Funnicello, but one can only conclude that it was part of long-standing resentment of the loose morals she displayed cavorting in a bikini throughout the Sixties. If only Annette had work a furkini.

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Breaking News: Franklin takes Chavez

In a stunning turn of events, 70’s sitcom icon Bonnie Franklin (who famously shunned underwear on the set), has taken Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Details to follow.

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A Somber NYE

The Collective urges all to refrain from any bawdy celebrations this New Year’s Eve in memory of Dick Clark.  Perhaps next year Ryan Seacrest or Kathy Griffin or that dirty Jenny McCarthy can take up his mantle and carry on, as he did with Guy Lombardo so many years ago.  But this year is for remembering.

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Schwarzkopf takes a bullet for GHWB

Always the good soldier, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf stepped up to save his ailing commader in chief, in a move reminiscent of the immortal John Candy’s sacrifice that extend Kurt Cobain’s miserable life another few years.

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Kincaid/Wallace/Clark

“I view art as an inspirational tool,” Thomas Kindaid told The New York Times in 2001. “People who put my paintings on their walls are putting their values on their walls: faith, family, home, a simpler way of living, the beauty of nature, quiet, tranquillity, peace, joy, hope. They beckon you into this world that provides an alternative to your nightly news broadcast.” And therein was revealed is disdain for the news. And who was a greater journalist than THE journalist, Mike Wallace.

Mr. Wallace, in addition to being the consummate newsman, was a handsome man. It is said that he did a “mirror, mirror” bit, like the evil queen in Snow White, but asking it instead who the most youthful one of all was. Yet, everytime, the answer came back the same. “Dick Clark.” No more need be known to understand Wallace’s selection. The Collective grieves for the loss of America’s oldest teenager. As he passes, so does our nation’s youthfulness.

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Kelley/Cornelius/Dundee

Mike Kelley, artist, pop culture afficionado, and Destroy All Monsters member, ever the trickster, has apparently, via his own suicide, fooled Don Cornelius into killing himself under a mistaken sense of duty to join the Etta James triad recently closed. Cornelius had not, of course, heard of Sarah Burke who actually initiated that triad (see below). Upon his passing, it was not surprising to see Cornelius take Angelo Dundee, given the bad blood between himself and Cassius Clay (as he still referred to him). At the end of the day, either his refusal to call him by his modern name, or just a lack of resolve, led to the deflection that took out Dundee.

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